On Friday this week, it’ll be one month since my mother passed away. Not much has occurred during this month. I have not come to terms with it yet. Not sure when I will. Everyday something happens that I wish I could tell her. Mundane shit – Laila’s babbling, Joy’s antics on My Name Is Earl, something said at work, etc. I spoke to my mom nearly everyday for a large portion of my life. We never fought for a long period time & I can honestly say I told her everything I possibly could have before she died. Yet, I feel this emptiness inside that is impossible to describe. Part of my enjoyment in life was being able to call my mom and share it with her – now I know it may sound completely selfish, but honestly, a lot of what I do now is less fun without my mom here. This is not to say that I don’t have fun, far from it, but there is a level of satisfaction that I had the next day when I called her and let her know what had happened the previous day.
I guess this is part of the healing process – annoyance at her for being gone. I know it wasn’t her choice to go, obviously, but there is a part of me that is both angry and annoyed. It still doesn’t seem fair. My mom was 50, a new grandmother & a totally wonderful, loving person. The cancer she had (colorectal) does not normally manifest before 50 years old. A colonoscopy would not have been in the cards for someone her age. I still find it hard to believe that there were no warning signs. I mean 16 months ago she goes in for surgery only to find out she has stage 4 cancer with no prior signs? It just doesn’t make sense.
These are issues I need to come to terms with. Yes, time will help all of this, but quite honestly, time isn’t the most comforting thing right now.
