Montageman: A dude who writes

October 22, 2008

A Month Later…

Filed under: healing — Tags: , , , — montageman @ 6:18 am

On Friday this week, it’ll be one month since my mother passed away.  Not much has occurred during this month.  I have not come to terms with it yet.  Not sure when I will.  Everyday something happens that I wish I could tell her.  Mundane shit – Laila’s babbling, Joy’s antics on My Name Is Earl, something said at work, etc.  I spoke to my mom nearly everyday for a large portion of my life.  We never fought for a long period time & I can honestly say I told her everything I possibly could have before she died.  Yet, I feel this emptiness inside that is impossible to describe.   Part of my enjoyment in life was being able to call my mom and share it with her – now I know it may sound completely selfish, but honestly, a lot of what I do now is less fun without my mom here.  This is not to say that I don’t have fun, far from it, but there is a level of satisfaction that I had the next day when I called her and let her know what had happened the previous day.

I guess this is part of the healing process – annoyance at her for being gone.  I know it wasn’t her choice to go, obviously, but there is a part of me that is both angry and annoyed.  It still doesn’t seem fair.  My mom was 50, a new grandmother & a totally wonderful, loving person.  The cancer she had (colorectal) does not normally manifest before 50 years old.  A colonoscopy would not have been in the cards for someone her age.  I still find it hard to believe that there were no warning signs.  I mean 16 months ago she goes in for surgery only to find out she has stage 4 cancer with no prior signs?  It just doesn’t make sense.

These are issues I need to come to terms with.  Yes, time will help all of this, but quite honestly, time isn’t the most comforting thing right now.

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