Montageman: A dude who writes

October 22, 2008

A Month Later…

Filed under: healing — Tags: , , , — montageman @ 6:18 am

On Friday this week, it’ll be one month since my mother passed away.  Not much has occurred during this month.  I have not come to terms with it yet.  Not sure when I will.  Everyday something happens that I wish I could tell her.  Mundane shit – Laila’s babbling, Joy’s antics on My Name Is Earl, something said at work, etc.  I spoke to my mom nearly everyday for a large portion of my life.  We never fought for a long period time & I can honestly say I told her everything I possibly could have before she died.  Yet, I feel this emptiness inside that is impossible to describe.   Part of my enjoyment in life was being able to call my mom and share it with her – now I know it may sound completely selfish, but honestly, a lot of what I do now is less fun without my mom here.  This is not to say that I don’t have fun, far from it, but there is a level of satisfaction that I had the next day when I called her and let her know what had happened the previous day.

I guess this is part of the healing process – annoyance at her for being gone.  I know it wasn’t her choice to go, obviously, but there is a part of me that is both angry and annoyed.  It still doesn’t seem fair.  My mom was 50, a new grandmother & a totally wonderful, loving person.  The cancer she had (colorectal) does not normally manifest before 50 years old.  A colonoscopy would not have been in the cards for someone her age.  I still find it hard to believe that there were no warning signs.  I mean 16 months ago she goes in for surgery only to find out she has stage 4 cancer with no prior signs?  It just doesn’t make sense.

These are issues I need to come to terms with.  Yes, time will help all of this, but quite honestly, time isn’t the most comforting thing right now.

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September 18, 2008

My Mom

Filed under: family — Tags: , , , — montageman @ 1:40 am
Me & my mom at her 50th birthday party

My mom and I at her 50th birthday party

Roughly 16 months ago my mom was diagnosed with colorectal cancer. Her initial prognosis was dire –  the cancer had spread and was stage 4.  Mom has been in the hospital on and off for the past month or so.  She’s not eating much, the painkillers have her totally fucked up, and she’s on a slow decline.  She’s 50. A young woman, mother, grandmother.  There is nothing fair about this.  Cancer is a motherfucker.  A couple months ago I would’ve said that she was doing well and things were under control, but how quickly the tables turn. I am the oldest of 5 boys – we are very protective of our mom.  Also, our 14 month daughter, Laila, hardly knows her grammy yet.  Helplessness.  Cancer cannot be defeated. It can be stalled, but eventually the stage 4 shit wins.  We’ve had a really wonderful year and I can’t help but think/hope that there is light at the end of this tunnel, too.  Of course, it is my mom, so I’ll be as positive as I can no matter what is said.  Matthew (my brother that lives in NYC) is bringing some Mon-A-Vie home.  I am a firm believer in healing through food, so maybe it’ll help? Hell, anything is worth trying.  This is Mom! It’s hard to imagine – 6 weeks ago she was so full of energy, but all the while there was this monster attacking her body.  Looking at her, you could never tell. She hid it well. And that is why this is so hard. Seeing your mother suffer sucks. I want to make everything better. And I will keep trying, refusing to see an end.

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